My ILLUsions of Life

2004-05-03T00:54:00.001-04:00

PS...if you would like to read the web site I mentioned, it's http://www.anacam.com
Very interesting website. Check it out!

2004-05-03T00:54:00.000-04:00

I gots a headache so probly not a long update tonight. I been readin a lj (live journal) on someones web site. A recent post was about the death of a dear friend of hers. It really hit home cuz my mom died of the same thing. My dad and my stepdad both died of heart attacks. Lung cancer killed my mom. It's wierd. My mom died on June 28, 1997. That's exactly one week before my birthday (July 4). I hate my birthday now. My dad died in July 4 years ago. My step dad died in 1985, in June. I'm really starting to hate summer. What really sucks, and I still kick my ass about this, is that I missed forever the last chance to talk to my step dad (I called him Dad, cuz he raised me from the time i was 5). I was in boot camp in the Navy at the time. I made a habit of calling Dad every Saturday, (it was the only day we could use the phones). This one Saturday, I didn't call him. Instead, I was selfish and went bowling. By the time I was done bowling, I didn't have time left to call him, so I figured I would put it off til the next week. I miss Dad so much, he died that Monday. I went home from boot camp for the funeral and returned in 5 days. When I got back, there was a letter waiting for me. It was from Dad. The first line said, "Hey pal, I missed your call this weekend. Why didn't you call me?" I cried for at least an hour after I read that. He went on to explain that he understood, that he knew I was busy and maybe had things I wanted to do and not to worry about it. I think maybe he knew he was going to die. He died on the operating table during bypass surgery. Mom died of lung cancer, she basically drowned sitting in a chair in her living room. I miss her even more than Dad I think. Mom was the person I would call long distance from Sacrament, when I lived there, to ask the ingredients in a particular recipe. We were very close for many years. They say that time heals all wounds. I can say from experience, that it doesn't heal them totally, but it does ease the pain. Missing them will never go away, but I am able to remember them and all the good times we had together. I know I made my parents proud, and that wherever they are, they know I'm doing the best I can with my life, and I try to live up to Dad's expectations as best I can. So, a week from mothers day, I love you Mom, and I think of you often. So much for a short post. Sorry if i'm so maudlin. I just needed to get this out.

2004-04-24T03:23:00.000-04:00

I will be soooooooooo glad when school gets out in two weeks. I need a break for a while. This stuff aint easy man...lol. I'm tryin to maintain a 4.0 and man...it's tough. Of course, with school ending, that means finals are coming up. UGH!!! And ya know...I will probly take a course this summer. I'm just getting maso aint i? lol. Enuff bout that. It doesn't look like i'll be seeing my daughter this summer. that blows. she was supposed to come here at easter time and go home in June, but that didn't work out. Now she says she is to busy to come up this summer. Majorly sucks. I mean...I could make her come up here....but I think that would just piss her off at me and make her miss stuff she wants to do. She's 13...gotta love teenagers. Anyway, other than that life is goin great! Weather is finally getting warmer! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. Thats bout it for now. Peace. Later.

2004-04-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

hey hey hey!

Damn it's been a long time. Imma try to do better. Hell, I don't even know who reads this anymore. How do ya like the Bush/Cheney news I added? Yeah, I support the President, and I'm proud of it!!! I think he's done good for the country and will continue to do so.

Well...last semester I did great!!! I got a 4.0 GPA!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I'm likin that don't ya know. I even joined the national honor society, Phi Theta Kappa. If I keep up the good grades, they will pay for my last two years of college! Here's hoping. Anyway, that's about it for now. Ya'll take it easy and I hope to hear from ya. Peace.

Tony

2003-12-09T20:41:00.000-05:00

Howdy folks,

Finals week at school. I wanna pull my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thursday is ma last day of class this semester....and i'm so waitin for it! Life is good. My daugher may be comin back up here in Jan. to finish up the school year here at school. Her mom is thinkin bout it now. I'mma say a prayer that happens!! That's bout it for now folks. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and I wish you all a wonderful holiday season. Bye for now.

2003-11-20T20:13:00.000-05:00

Greets folks,

It's been ages since i logged in here. Alot has changed in my life. I'm in school full time, gettin A's!!!! My daughter is here visiting now and i'm so happy. I'm gonna try to get her up here for the rest of the school year. I hope I can do this cuz now her mom is gonna go to school full time and work full time. So Jackie will be home alone all the time now. That just aint right. At least I'm home when she gets out of school. And here she is supervised doing school work. With her mom she isnt cuz she is home schooled. I just think her education is alot more important than her mom. I mean..how can you leave a kid home alone all day and expect them to do their school work on their own with no help? Anyway....thats bout it for now. Feel free to comment folks. Hugsssssssssssssss..c'ya later.

2003-09-23T18:02:00.000-04:00

Guess it's been a while...for those that used to read this, i'm gonna try to get it up and going again. School has been keepin me so busy that i havent had much time to update. I'll try to do better. I'll try more later folks...back to homework...c'ya.

2003-07-11T23:08:00.000-04:00

wow...i just realized the last time i updated is may...amazing..and ya'll didnt ping me or nothin. lol does anyone read this anymore?
we goin on vacation on monday..to niagra falls. gonna be fun..i never been there before. then i get back and gotta do more tests at school....fun huh? c'ya later folks...take care...and nas....if you read this..keep the evil game goin..hehehehehehe

2003-05-10T01:33:00.000-04:00

guess i should update...lol...been since april. well..i applied to college...should hear something next week. applied for pell grant and all that stuff and im gonna have to see a financial aid counsellor soon. not much else goin on. i'll put up more tomorrow. c'yas

2003-04-24T20:52:00.000-04:00

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...ma comments are back!!!!!!!!!! Its been a wierd week. Been kinda down bout maself, feelin kinda worthless cuz all i can do is sit at home...not workin. Oh well....life sux dont it? I am checkin into schools..but dont think i'll be able to go unless i get a settlement or financial aid...which i cont qualify for cuz me and shadow made way to much last year. Oh well..we'll see. I checked all the colleges around here that have paralegal studies....and paralegal and legal assistant are the same thing. Penn State was the cheapest of the universities....9900 a year. My local community college is about 3000 a year not including books and such. I just dont know what to do now. Shadow says we will make it thru all of this. She is such a sweet person and I love her so much. She is so supportive of me, she is the best thing that has happened to me in my whole life. I know we have had our tough times baby....and we have made it through some of the toughest things a married couple should ever have to go thru...but the thing is...WE MADE IT!!! Thank you for loving me baby. I couldnt make it through these days without you. You are what gets me through the tough times and for that..I love you, (and much more than that). Anyway...enough rambling. Feel free to leave your thoughts folks. Ya'll know i love ya, so go for it..say whats in your hearts, it wont bother me in any way. lol...let it all hang out. Peace. I love you my friends

2003-04-18T21:37:00.000-04:00

somethin messed up ma comments....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2003-04-15T00:21:00.000-04:00

Hi folks,
To answer some questions, no i dont have custody. Neither one of us have official custody from the courts. We just agreed from the outset that she would stay with my ex cuz at the time i was driving trucks over the road. So custody was never decided by the court...just the divorce. As for what my daughter wants..she wants to come for at least a month if not more. She is just scared that if she tells her mom that, then her mom wont let her come at all. Her mom yells at her alot sometimes. Last january Jackie wanted to come live here permanently, but we decided it was better off for her to go home and finish school and be with her mom for now. Wondering now if we all made the right decision...course, at the time her mom came up here and told me and my pastor that she was plannin on moving up here this spring permanently. Now thats not happening. Seems like she made that promise just to get Jackie back. Go figure. oh well....guess i'll end up in court over it all..get them to spell out the custody..and if i do i will be pushing for joint custody...i'm pretty sure i'll get it. so is the lawyer i'll be hiring. c'ya folks

2003-04-12T02:33:00.000-04:00

Well...another week is gone. I had an argument with my ex wife last nite about when my daughter will come visit this summer, and how long she will be here. she wants me to have her for 2 weeks in june and 2 weeks later in the summer.....i told her...c'mon..u know if i took this to court i would get her for the whole summer since u have her the rest of the year. i'm only asking for a month..just one month....two weeks aint shit..cuz it takes a weekend for me to drive down and get her and come home...then shadow works the next weekend...then the following weekend we have to take her back to carolina....so no time when shadow is off work so we can go do something. i told her i wanna take her to niagra falls...but she dont care...im like..she is my daughter to..i dont wanna go to court..but if i have to i damn sure will. she thinks she can have it all her own way....well..i dont think so. im not askin for full custody here dammit..im just askin for one month with my only child. my ex has her 10 months out of the year...and my time with her is spread out all over the year.....am i asking to much? then i tell her that shadow and i are renewing our wedding vows in sept and we want jackie to be a part of the ceremony...a brides maid. my ex says...i dont know...i cant plan that far ahead...gimme a freakin break man. god...she must really hate me or something. we have been divorced for 3 years...i dont think she has gotten over the divorce yet and she is still holding that over my head. i love my daughter more than anything except for shadow....all i wanna do is spend some time with her in the summer....so i can do things with her...who knows...maybe i should go to court and sue for joint custody...its not like i live all that far away...just 8 hours by car. thats probly the best thing i guess...that way its set in stone and she cant say no. ya'll tell me what u think ok? plz? i need some advice on this one.

2003-04-10T01:19:00.000-04:00

Well holy chit man....I actually got the comment box to work on shadows blog....damn i'm gettin good..lmaooooooooooooooooo. Not much else goin on...I won the TOC...yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee first time i ever done that...lmaoooooooooo. Maybe now Aut gimme that TOC medal that cases has out...lol. (yes..they really do have one that goes on ur tourney player card)
I'm doin pretty good this week. Gettin ma chores done....did laundry today..cleaned up the house. gonna do floors tomorrow and get ma oil changed on the car...its like 3000 miles over due..ugh. not good so i better get that done b4 ma car dies on ma ass. Thats bout it from here folks. Love ya'll. hope ur all havin fun on ur time off from the ladder. hugssssssssssssssssssssssss.
c'yas

2003-04-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

SBABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
lmaoooooooooooooo love ya sis!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok..for all of ya that want it.... shadows blog addy is http://www.visionsfromthequietone.blogspot.com there ya go.now i just gotta figure out how to add the link...i'll play with the html later and see if i can figure it out...hey quizzyyyyyyyyyyyy...i may be askin for help later. lmaooooooooooooooooo. and babycakes...i wish it was that easy to get the money out of em. oh well...guess i should just enjoy the time off huh?
lol can ya believe we got 8 freakin inches of snow today?????? its april 7th....was 75 degrees last week. wtf is goin on with that? i mean...gimme a break..it aint supposed to snow this time of year..its spring for cryin out loud!!! lol. c'ya folks..peace

2003-04-05T20:33:00.000-05:00

damn..now im bein called a bitch!!!!! c'mon babycakes..i havent bitched at ya once for not updatin...and as far as who is the mean cuzzy...well...i cant say cuz i dont know yas both that well..hehehe....although when shadow and i come out to Tahoe for our honeymoon next fall we hope to be able to see yas!!! not much goin on right now. my work comp case manager has gone on vacation for 2 weeks leaving me hanging. i mean..c'mon...nobody in her office knows what is going on with my case. the doc is supposed to have sent the report last week before she went on vacation. now i know everyone deserves a vacation, but at least make arrangements for someone to handle your work before you go!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna get back to work one of these days soon. Actually i just want a settlement from them so i can go back to college for Paralegal studies. Its good work..makes good money...and i dont have to do alot on my feet..yayyyyyyyyy. OH great news...just checked the mail..I GOT A CHECK I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WAS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man i love it when you get money ya didnt expect. Now i can get my DSL turned on next week!!!!!!! yipppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hey sbabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
hugs hon...love you all. make sure ya'll check out shadows blog now that she got one up and running. hugs to all
and remember...enjoy life..cuz tomorrow isnt guaranteed.

2003-04-02T02:48:00.000-05:00

well...i got called a ass and told to update so i guess i better get to it..lmaooooooooooooooo. u know who ya are and i still love yas..
been a pretty good couple of days other than bein sick as a freakin dog..omg....babycakes had it last week...man...i hate when that happens. feelin better now though..thank God. ya know...i really wish ppl in vp would quit judging other ppl. there is a guy in vp..that has a friend that he just found out is submissive....and now he is judging her...calling her wierd....i mean...if he thinks she is wierd...he must think some other members of bratgammon are wierd to for their way of life...i mean..come on..dont we get enough of that in the real world?????? ppl come in here to have fun..play games and just blow off steam...not to be judged. If ya read the bible..it says..Judge not lest ye be judged. or in another instance...let he who is among you without sin cast the first stone....i got news for ya..i damn sure cant throw any stones. am i judging this person?? no..im not..im just a little ticked that he hurt a very good friend of mine. ya think ya know ppl and then they go and do something like this...wow...talk about gettin stabbed in the back. i love all my friends in vp...especially the ones i have made in bratgammon..thanx to listening to me in my bad times..i know i ramble sometimes..not only here but in vp as well...ya'll know who you are and i love you so much that i cant put it into words...but ya know what? i learned a lesson tonite. its a lesson i wish i didnt have to learn. and for those of you that may be interested..just im me..i'll tell ya who the guy is...again.ya'll know who you are..take care guys..i love you all..hugssssssssssssssssssssss

2003-03-29T00:32:00.000-05:00

WTF IS WITH THE DAMN DRAMA???????????? Man i hate that chit in vp. Nothin irritates me more when im online in bratgammon playin a game and someone wants to start chit in ims....know what i mean??? man...now im all ticked off. ever hear the expression reach out and touch someone? thats what i wanna do right now. ya know..ya tell someone in confidence something and they gotta go repeating it to ppl then it starts all sorts of shit. oh well...at least i got ma isp payed today and i didnt get cut off. i even did the rest of my errands today...kewl huh? wtg on the blinkie babycakes...now if i can figure out how to ftp one to ma site i'll get ya to make me one so u can practice. im rambling again aint i? lol where else can i rant and rave? dis be da place for it. c'yas later
peace

2003-03-28T00:54:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. Kinda boring today. Went and got ma hair cut...it really needed it. forgot to do a couple other things like pay my isp so i may get cut off tomorrow..lol. oh well..i'll take a check to em tomorrow. man i hope workmans comp finishes with me soon. i really wanna go back to work. this sux sittin at home every day. to damn boring and tv gets old after a while. anyway..enuff whining..lol think im gonna head out to bed
nite

2003-03-26T23:41:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day. Got all my house chores done today...yay..means i can relax all weekend with ma baby. maybe go to the movies. anyone got any ideas for good movies comin out this weekend?
lemme know
adios

2003-03-26T01:49:00.000-05:00

WOW...this is so freakin kewl. Everything works. A big shout out to quizzy and aut and brat for all the help and advice in the html category. I couldnt hae done it without ya!!!!!!!!!!! Oh....and on a more personal note, never try to edit html or other chit like that when ur on narcotics...it just dont work..lmaooooooooooooooooooo. Thats about it for today...I sure hope i get my check tomorrow. Do ya'll think it should take 5 days for a letter to go from Parsippany NJ to where i live? I could drive that in 2 hours...my work comp adjuster says she mailed my check last friday....its now tuesday nite and i still havent gotten it...damn that sux...and we are sooooooooo broke. oh well...life goes on. Peace ya'll.

2003-03-25T21:47:00.000-05:00

Wonder if those html changes worked?

2003-03-25T21:16:00.000-05:00

Howdy....heh..guess i need to get some help cuz i dun know nothin bout html...i'm so lost here..lmaoooooooooooooooooo. so...hey Brat...hellllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppppppppp...pleasseeeeeeee.. lol... c'yas later folks. short one huh?

2003-03-24T18:53:00.001-05:00

blogger.com

2003-03-24T18:53:00.000-05:00

blogger.com

2003-03-24T18:13:00.000-05:00

Well..this is my first post and first blog...got no clue what to write about. Went grocery shopping today....i saved $42.00 buying all the stuff in the store sale paper that was buy one get one free...yayyyyyyyyy..lol. But now we set on groceries for the next 4 weeks. Still waiting on work comp to figure out what the hell they are gonna do bout my ankle. Gawd this is soooooooooooo damn hard to sit here waiting....trust me folks...8 months out of work just isnt fun at all. The first month wasnt bad...but wow...the last 7 have been like...soooooo boring. I dont know how house wives do it..lmaooooooooo...I would not be a good housewife. Its amazing though...I have become so domestic...i do laundry...dishes...dust...vacuum...all that stuff. My wife loves it. Well, thats bout it for now. I may post more later...c'yas.